my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
😜
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Thursday Thought.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters