my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
“Why you watching this shit?”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.