my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
i feel so bad i refunded him
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Lmao the reply
