My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You better watch out
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life