My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Oh yeah that’s it
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*