“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My teenage children choosing violence
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.