Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

What?!?

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues