Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

My life in a nutshell

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*