“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The Book. The Movie.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I stand by it
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.