Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

Midwest trash talk

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.