My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over