My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.