My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
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hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom