My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
This is what makes twitter great
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.