My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am