Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

Every. Damn. Time.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.