Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

Monica just destroyed the internet

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.