My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we