Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

you can only post this today

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe