Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce