Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

good work, detective

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly