Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.