My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep