My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.