Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

*cough*

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

going to bed

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Admin smashed it 😂

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!