my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
new shirt idea
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Every
Single
Year
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Animal poetry
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
im gay on my mothers side
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.