My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
#merica
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!