My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[eats all your cotton candy]
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.