Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Merry Christmas