Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks