My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The three genders
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??