My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
congratulations to them
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.