My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

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Strangely enough, yelling “I have a masters degree!” at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.


Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….


Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?


Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.


The therapist told me, “Tomorrow is another day.” I didn’t know that. But now, armed with this knowledge, there’s nothing I can’t do.


16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Throw it away.”


I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.


Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud


I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…