Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
school sucks 2/10 stars would not recommend
The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]