@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

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@scottgal

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

@FromMinivan

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

@C_J_Commode

I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.

@hannahkimberlee

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.

@fuzzlime

If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?

@joeljeffrey

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.