My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I would move hell over six inches for you
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes