My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand


( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.


If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.


I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.


13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me


Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.


If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?


I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.


The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.