My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no


Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .


Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.


ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin


CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit



ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample


The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.


Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.


Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]