My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Bike is short for Bichael.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.