Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

All food is good if you spell it wrong

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

yeah 😭

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn