@citizenkawala

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

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@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@murderbytweets

In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.

@Schmoodles

I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.

@MaDom

I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

@nerdonfire1

Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral

@portmanteauface

ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means

THEM:

ME:

THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus

@JustMug

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers