My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
haha same
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.