My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots