Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Another day, another…goddammit

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.