My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I have never related to a cat more
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!