My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.