My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
incredible
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Message from the dog groomers
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?