My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Interior designer.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician