My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I鈥檝e got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don鈥檛 worry. i got half of this
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
they should create new variants of dopamine
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 馃槈
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don鈥檛 have to make a second trip later in the day.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men鈥檚 restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Wait!! There’s a box??? 馃槀馃槤
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.聽
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?