My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*