My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
no one ever comes back
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.