My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
You Might Also Like
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
one of
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.