Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.