Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

Wake me when AI does housework

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms