Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.