*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
You Might Also Like
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
bias laundering edition
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”