*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
You Might Also Like
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
me hooking up with my ex
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.