*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.