My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
when nothing goes right… go left
OH. COME. ON.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.