Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

an octopus is just a wet spider

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks