My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!