My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*