My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Grandmother clock.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio