My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back