My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult