Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.