Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats