My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Lmao
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle