My work here is done
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.