My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Do one person every day that scares you.
😭😭😭
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.