Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

channeling her this year

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag