Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Somebody’s lying.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?