My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
How high do the levels go?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make