My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all