My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
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Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.