My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?